When attending a funeral wake, it’s essential to be mindful of traditions and etiquette to show respect to both the deceased and their grieving family. Whether it’s your first time or you’re familiar with funeral customs, understanding proper behavior will ensure that you contribute positively to the event. Below are five key points that every attendee should know.
1. Wear Appropriate Attire
The dress code for a wake is typically similar to that of a funeral. In most cases, dark and muted colors like black, navy, or gray are appropriate. These colors convey a somber and respectful tone. While black is a safe and traditional choice, wearing overly casual or colorful attire should be avoided unless the family specifies a more celebratory approach to the wake. Women should wear modest clothing, such as dresses or skirts that fall below the knee, paired with conservative tops. Men can wear a suit or dark trousers with a dress shirt or a tie. Flashy accessories, excessive jewelry, or casual items like jeans and sneakers are not recommended, as the focus should remain on showing reverence.
While some wakes have a more relaxed dress code, such as allowing slightly more casual attire for wakes held at someone’s home or a venue like a pub, it is still advised to check with the family or the invitation for specific instructions. The key is to avoid drawing attention to yourself with your clothing choices, instead blending into the respectful environment of the wake.
2. Honour the Deceased
One of the primary reasons for attending a wake is to honor the deceased. In many traditional wakes, especially those with religious significance, attendees may pay their respects by standing at the memorial table, which may feature an image of the deceased, flowers, and other memorabilia.
In some cultures, such as Buddhist or Taoist wakes, it is customary to offer incense. Attendees light a single incense stick and place it in the censer before bowing three times as a sign of reverence. However, if you are uncomfortable with the ritual of burning incense, simply bowing your head or standing in silent reflection is equally respectful.
Depending on the culture, the body of the deceased may be displayed in an open casket for visitors to view. This allows loved ones to say their final goodbyes and find closure.
Some people may feel uncomfortable approaching the casket, and that’s okay—observing a moment of silence from a distance is perfectly respectful. The key is to be present and to show your support in a manner that feels right to you.
3. Offer Your Condolences Thoughtfully
Offering condolences to the grieving family is a central part of attending a wake. Expressing your sympathy can be as simple as a brief, heartfelt statement like “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If the family is not familiar with you, introduce yourself and explain your connection to the deceased. Remember, a wake is not the time for long conversations, as many other people will also want to speak with the family. Keeping your condolences short, sincere, and respectful is best.
In some cultures, it is customary to offer a monetary contribution, often called pek kim in Chinese communities, to the family as a form of condolence. There is no fixed amount that should be given—it depends on your relationship with the deceased and your own financial means.
If you are unsure, you may ask someone close to the family for guidance. The important thing is the gesture of support, not the amount itself. For the family receiving such contributions, there is a tradition to reciprocate the amount or more in the future when attending the contributor’s family events.
4. Take a Red Thread or Memento
At many Asian wakes, particularly in Taoist or Buddhist traditions, it is common to find small red threads placed on the snack or offering tables. These threads are distributed as tokens of auspiciousness, thanking attendees for their presence.
If you take a red thread, make sure to remove it before entering your own home. This act symbolizes leaving the solemnity of the wake behind and is thought to ward off any lingering negative energy associated with death.
In some wakes, small mementos such as candles or memorial cards may also be given out. These items are intended as keepsakes to remember the deceased by. The specific customs may vary based on cultural or religious practices, but the underlying idea is to create a tangible reminder of the individual who has passed.
5. Be Helpful and Supportive
Beyond showing emotional support to the family, there are practical ways to be helpful during a wake. Offering assistance with simple tasks, such as setting up chairs, arranging tables, or bringing refreshments, can ease the burden on the grieving family. Many families hosting a wake appreciate the small gestures of care from those attending. For instance, folding joss paper or offering to help distribute snacks or drinks can be meaningful ways to show your solidarity.
If the wake takes place at the family’s home, contributing food or beverages for guests can also be a kind gesture. However, if the wake is held in a more formal venue, it’s wise to check with the family beforehand to avoid overwhelming them with additional items. Small, thoughtful actions during the wake can make a big difference to the bereaved, helping them feel supported in their time of sorrow.
Additional Tips for Wake Etiquette:
- Arrival and Departure: It is important to arrive at the wake at an appropriate time. Many wakes are open-house events, meaning you do not need to arrive at the exact start time, but arriving too late can be seen as disrespectful. When you’ve finished offering your condolences and paying your respects, it’s best not to linger unnecessarily, as the family will likely have many guests to attend to.
- Flowers and Gifts: While flowers are typically reserved for funerals, some families appreciate receiving them at wakes as well. It’s always a good idea to check beforehand to ensure that flowers or small gifts are appropriate. If unsure, sending a sympathy card or a donation to a charity in the deceased’s name can also be thoughtful alternatives.
- Respect the Family’s Wishes: Some wakes are more private, reserved only for family and close friends. If you’re unsure whether you’re invited, it’s always better to check with someone close to the family or observe from a respectful distance at the funeral. It’s important to be mindful of the family’s needs and not impose on their space during a difficult time.
By following these guidelines, you can ensure that your presence at a wake is respectful, supportive, and considerate of the grieving family. Each wake is different, influenced by cultural, religious, and personal preferences, so it’s always helpful to remain flexible and attentive to the specific customs and expectations of the event you are attending.
FAQ: Funeral Wakes Across Different Religions
Christian Funerals
- What should I expect at a Christian wake?
- In Christian traditions, wakes are often held before the funeral and may include prayers, hymns, or scripture readings. The body may be present in an open casket for viewing, allowing friends and family to pay their last respects.
- What should I wear?
- Attendees typically wear dark, formal clothing, although some families might request specific attire, such as brighter colors to celebrate the life of the deceased.
- Is it okay to bring flowers?
- Yes, bringing flowers to a Christian wake is common and appreciated. However, in some denominations, it’s preferable to donate to a charity in the deceased’s name.
Buddhist Funerals
- What rituals are observed at a Buddhist wake?
- Buddhist wakes often involve chanting sutras (Buddhist scriptures) and lighting incense to honor the deceased. Offerings of food and money may also be made to ensure a good reincarnation for the deceased.
- How should I dress?
- Modest, dark clothing is appropriate, but white is the traditional mourning color in many Asian Buddhist cultures. Avoid bright or flashy attire unless requested by the family.
- Can I participate in the rituals?
- Even if you are not a Buddhist, you can respectfully participate by bowing or standing silently during chants and rituals. It’s a way to show respect to the deceased and the family.
Taoist Funerals
- What should I wear to a Taoist funeral?
- Guests typically wear white, which symbolizes mourning in many Asian cultures, or somber colors like black. Bright or flashy clothing should be avoided. Family members may wear different colors based on their relationship to the deceased—such as white, black, or even blue. It’s important to avoid red, as this color symbolizes joy and celebration in Chinese culture.
- Is it appropriate to bring offerings?
- Yes, it’s common to bring offerings such as fruit, flowers, or incense. Paper money (joss paper) and other symbolic items might also be burned as offerings to ensure the deceased has wealth and comfort in the afterlife. However, it’s always a good idea to check with the family or follow local customs to know what is appropriate to bring.
- What should I expect at a Taoist wake?
- A Taoist wake may include chanting by Taoist priests, the burning of joss paper, and other ceremonial offerings. The wake is often a time for family and friends to honor the deceased and offer their prayers for the soul’s journey to the afterlife. It is typically a solemn occasion, though it may also feature some rituals meant to protect the living from misfortune.
Hindu Funerals
- What is the format of a Hindu wake?
- In Hinduism, wakes often include prayers and chants to help guide the soul of the deceased to the afterlife. The body may be cremated shortly after the wake, as cremation is common in Hindu rites.
- What should I wear?
- White is the traditional mourning color in Hindu culture. Attendees should wear simple, conservative clothing, avoiding black, which is associated with negativity in Hinduism.
- Can non-Hindus attend a Hindu wake?
- Yes, non-Hindus can attend and participate by observing the rituals quietly and respectfully. Offering condolences to the family is customary.
Muslim Funerals
- What happens at a Muslim wake?
- In Islam, there is no formal wake. Instead, the body is prepared and buried as soon as possible after death, often within 24 hours. Prayers, known as Salat al-Janazah, are offered before the burial, and condolences are shared with the family afterward.
- What should I wear?
- Modest, somber clothing is essential. Men typically wear long sleeves and trousers, while women may be expected to wear a headscarf and loose-fitting clothing.
- Can I attend if I’m not Muslim?
- Yes, non-Muslims can attend, but participation is limited to observing the rituals from a respectful distance. Offering condolences to the family is appropriate.
Jewish Funerals
- What takes place at a Jewish wake?
- Jewish traditions typically involve Shiva, a period of mourning that occurs after the burial rather than a formal wake before the funeral. During Shiva, friends and family visit the mourners to offer condolences.
- What should I wear?
- Black or dark clothing is customary, and men may wear a yarmulke (a small cap) when attending services or visiting the family during Shiva.
- Should I bring anything?
- It’s common to bring food for the family during Shiva since mourners traditionally do not cook for themselves during this period. Flowers are generally not appropriate at Jewish funerals or Shiva visits.
